Rhiannon Held / R. Z. Held

Category: humor around me

  • Metaphor for Spoons

    It’s time, boys and girls, for another edition of Unnecessary Metaphors! For the newcomers among us, this is a game where I court inexplicable search engine hits by creating metaphors for things that don’t need them, and in fact probably shouldn’t have them. Something like nine months after my last edition, hits from “metaphor for…

  • Lighting

    Me: Your bathroom lightbulbs are set to “undead” Dad: What? Me: They make you look all pale and slightly blue. Unless I’m actually slightly pale and blue. Dad: You kind of are. Me: What? No, it’s the fluorescent bulbs! They mess with skin tones! Dad: Those are some of the only incandescents we have left…

  • Rocks

    Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… The saddest rock in the world. Clearly, it needs to make friends with the toast rock: (New readers: the toast rock lives in the lab cabinets at work)

  • Overlarge Vocabularies of Writers

    Worldcon Dinner Conversation Me: I wonder if they’ll think I’m a pleb if I ask for ketchup with this. Tablemate: I think if you can use the word pleb, you’re not a pleb.

  • Dumb job humor

    So I have these conversations with myself at work sometimes. Me: Hehehe, that’s hilarious! Me: No one but someone who’s been staring at sketch maps of old mining features for four hours would think that’s funny. Me: I don’t care. It’s still funny. The one for today is from a photo log. Photo logs are…

  • Steak and Ice Cream

    Conversations with family: [Dad and I are discussing cooking shows while he gets himself ice cream] Me: I would lose so badly on those things. I couldn’t even cook a steak, because I don’t eat them. Dad: Well, you eat them in restaurants. But that doesn’t help you cook it at home, though. [He chips…

  • Metaphor for the Moon

    Mmm. Tonight, I am full of corned beef and still grinning from seeing cute kids (and talented older kids) do Irish dancing at the Seattle Center. I bring to you a link, and also a new edition of Fun with Google: Unnecessary Metaphors. First, the link. I am not the only person to talk about…

  • In your refridgerator

    [In the midst of a conversation about what kind of romantic elements we liked in our fiction] Me: I like my melodrama in my melodrama Not in my adventure stories Friend: I misread that for ‘melondrama’ for a second and started considering what a melon love story would look like. NO CANTALOUPE. WE CAN NOT…

  • Oraaaaaange juuuuuuuice!

    If I’m ever found mysteriously dead in my apartment, you’ll know why: it was the orange juice. Perhaps orange juice is strange to have as a nemesis, but a can seems to have elected itself mine. To explain: I made a recipe that called for however many cups of orange juice, and I bought a…

  • Christmas trees

    Watching other people, I feel like I somehow missed a key component of the Christmas tree experience. There’s a place just down the road that sells them, and it has a lot of different sizes this year (even the trees are smaller in this economy!) and so every time I drive past, I see people…